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Why Do I Overthink Everything?

Do you ever replay a conversation you had three days ago and suddenly decide you probably said the wrong thing?

 

Maybe someone sent you a message and you immediately started analysing the punctuation.

 

Why did they put a full stop? They don't normally use a full stop.

 

Or perhaps you’re lying in bed at night thinking about something that happened at work, a conversation with your partner, something you forgot to do, something you might have done, or something that could possibly happen tomorrow.

 

And the more you think about it, the more things you find to think about.

 

Welcome to overthinking.

When thinking feels like the solution

The frustrating thing about overthinking is that it often feels as though you’re doing something useful.

 

You’re trying to work something out. 

 

You’re trying to understand what happened.

 

You’re trying to make the right decision.

 

You’re trying to avoid making a mistake.

 

You’re trying to prepare yourself for what might happen next.

 

In other words, your brain is attempting to protect you.

 

If you think through every possible outcome, perhaps you can prevent anything going wrong.

 

If you analyse the conversation enough, perhaps you can work out exactly what the other person meant.

 

If you go over your decision one more time, perhaps you’ll finally feel certain that you made the right choice.

 

The problem is that thinking doesn’t always lead to an answer.

 

Sometimes it just leads to more thinking.

“What if…?”

Overthinking often lives in the world of what ifs.

 

What if they’re angry with me?

 

What if I made the wrong decision?

 

What if something goes wrong?

 

What if I embarrass myself?

 

What if they don’t like me?

 

What if I regret this?

 

And once your brain has found one “what if?”, it can usually find another.

 

What if that happens?

 

And what if this happens afterwards?

 

Before you know it, you’ve mentally travelled ten steps into the future and are worrying about a situation that hasn’t even happened.

 

This is one of the reasons overthinking can be so exhausting. Your body may be sitting on the sofa, but your mind is somewhere else entirely.

Why can’t I just switch my brain off?

If you’ve ever been told, “You think too much,” you might have wondered why you can’t simply stop.

Unfortunately, it’s rarely that simple.

 

Overthinking can become a habit. Your brain learns that when something feels uncertain or uncomfortable, thinking about it is what you do.

 

And sometimes, underneath the overthinking, there is another feeling that is harder to sit with.

 

Uncertainty.

 

Fear.

 

Guilt.

 

Embarrassment.

 

Sadness.

 

Anger.

 

When we don’t know what to do with a feeling, we can sometimes move into our heads instead.

 

Thinking can feel easier than feeling.

 

If I can work out why they said that, perhaps I don’t have to sit with the possibility that I’m hurt.

 

If I can find the perfect solution, perhaps I don’t have to tolerate not knowing what will happen.

 

If I keep analysing the situation, perhaps I can avoid feeling anxious about it.

 

The thinking itself can become a way of trying to create certainty when certainty isn’t available.

The difference between thinking and overthinking

Thinking can be helpful.

 

We need to think about things. We need to reflect, make decisions, learn from our experiences and solve problems.

 

The difference is often what happens next.

 

Helpful thinking tends to move towards something.

 

What happened?

 

What do I need?

 

What can I do about it?

 

Overthinking tends to move in circles.

 

What happened?

 

But what if I misunderstood?

 

Maybe I should have said something different.

 

But then what if they thought…

 

And what if tomorrow…

 

There is no satisfying conclusion.

 

You’re searching for an answer that might not exist.

 

And that’s an important question to ask yourself:

 

Am I actually solving a problem, or am I trying to get rid of uncertainty?

 

Because sometimes the thing you’re looking for isn’t an answer.

 

It’s reassurance.

You don’t need to know everything

One of the hardest things about overthinking is accepting that sometimes you simply cannot know.

 

You cannot always know what someone else is thinking.

 

You cannot know exactly how a conversation will go.

 

You cannot guarantee that you’ll make the perfect decision.

 

You cannot predict every possible outcome.

 

And you cannot go back and change something that has already happened.

 

That can feel uncomfortable.

 

But learning to tolerate that discomfort can be much more helpful than trying to think your way out of it.

 

Instead of:

 

“I need to work out what they meant.”

 

You might try:

 

“I don’t actually know what they meant, and I can live with not knowing right now.”

 

Instead of:

 

“I need to be absolutely certain I’ve made the right decision.”

 

Try:

 

“I’ve made the best decision I can with the information I have.”

 

It might not immediately make the thoughts disappear.

 

That’s not the point.

 

The point is that you’re no longer feeding them.

What if I’m overthinking because I don’t trust myself?

Sometimes overthinking is closely connected to self-doubt.

 

If you don’t trust your own judgement, every decision can become a huge investigation.

 

You ask other people what they think.

 

You search for more information.

 

You reconsider.

 

Then reconsider the reconsideration.

 

And even after making a decision, you might still wonder whether you got it wrong.

 

Building trust in yourself doesn’t mean believing that you’ll always make the perfect choice.

 

It means knowing that if something doesn’t work out, you will be able to deal with it.

 

That is a very different kind of confidence.

 

You don’t need to know that everything will be okay.

 

You need to know that you will be okay even if everything isn’t.

So, how do I stop overthinking?

You probably won’t be able to stop yourself from ever overthinking.

 

And trying desperately to stop thinking can sometimes become another thing to overthink.

 

Instead, start noticing when it happens.

 

Notice the moment your thoughts move from reflection into repetition.

 

Ask yourself:

 

Is there something I can actually do about this?

 

If there is, decide what that is.

 

If there isn’t, ask yourself whether you can allow the uncertainty to exist without continuing to analyse it.

 

You might also notice what is happening emotionally underneath the thoughts.

 

What am I actually feeling right now?

 

What am I afraid might happen?

 

What am I hoping to know for certain?

 

Sometimes the most useful answer isn’t another thought.

 

It’s a feeling that needs some attention.

You don’t have to believe every thought

Our minds produce thoughts all day long.

 

Some are useful.

 

Some are completely random.

 

Some are memories.

 

Some are predictions.

 

Some are fears dressed up as facts.

 

Just because you have thought something doesn’t mean it is true.

 

And just because your brain has imagined something going wrong doesn’t mean you need to prepare for it.

 

You can notice the thought without immediately following it.

 

“I’m having the thought that they’re angry with me.”

 

That is very different from:

 

“They’re angry with me.”

 

That small distinction can create a little space between you and the thought.

 

And sometimes, that little bit of space is exactly what you need.

Perhaps the goal isn’t to think less

Maybe the goal isn’t to become someone who never worries, never analyses and never thinks about things twice.

 

Perhaps the goal is to become someone who can notice when thinking is no longer helping.

 

Someone who can say:

 

I’ve thought about this enough.

 

I don’t have all the answers.

 

I can tolerate not knowing.

 

I made the best decision I could.

And then gently bring yourself back to what is actually happening right now.

 

Because sometimes the answer you’re looking for isn’t hidden somewhere inside another twenty minutes of thinking.

 

Sometimes you already know enough.

 

You just need to give yourself permission to stop searching.